“Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions, ‘Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?’ Love is the best survival mechanism there is, and to feel suddenly emotionally cut off from a partner, disconnected, is terrifying.” - Sue Johnson from Hold Me Tight

Relationships everywhere are feeling the strain of challenges with communication. Some of the most common communication problems include interrupting one another, lack of intimacy, making assumptions, and lack of time together. One of the biggest challenges I see as a relationship therapist are the anti-relational societal narratives that are the norm right now.

While there might be many different reasons for the lack of communication in relationships, the purpose of this post is not to focus on how we got here, but where do we go? How do we begin to dig our way out of these communication differences and begin to build healthy relationships?

The key is quality communication.

Here are my top 5 tips for accessing quality communication in your relationship:

1. Stop Personalizing Everything

One of the biggest challenges I see in couples counseling is the tendency to take everything personally. Let's say Spouse A says "I wish we could spend more time together." Spouse B might say things like "you never told me that" or "well if you weren't so busy all the time..." or how about "I just don't understand why having some time to myself is such a bad thing." Ouch. The bid for connection was totally missed.

You can typically spot this very quickly because you'll become defensive and begin to feel the need to explain or make excuses for what your spouse has asked for. Notice the original request had nothing to do with what the other was or was not doing. It was a request for spending more time together - focus on the connection.

Quality communication would want to know more about the desire to spend more time together and why it's important for their spouse.

2. Notice the Non-Verbals

I teach my clients that they need to know their person the absolute best especially with body language. You already think you know what every smirk, grin, eyebrow raise, and grimace means on your partner's face, and you assign meaning to it that isn't always accurate. Here's how this goes - Spouse A looks down at the ground while asking for some help with chores around the house. Spouse B completely misses the part where they were looking at the ground and immediately starts in on how they helped with laundry and dishes the other day. Spouse A says "you're right, never mind" and the opportunity for connection totally gets missed.

What do you think the reason is for Spouse A looking at the ground? Is it that they're uncomfortable? Is it because they're scared? Is it because they're neurospicy and hate eye contact?

Quality communication would consider the non-verbal gesture and ask why it's there. Which brings us to number 3.

3. Slow Down the Conversation

Arguments and disagreements have a tendency to ramp up pretty fast. Sometimes the response is locked and loaded before the other person has even stopped talking yet. One of the ways we slow down a conversation is by asking questions. Because how can you truly know that you understand what is being asked or said, if you haven't asked a single question about it? You don't because you assumed.

Quality communication would acknowledge that there's a gap in understanding and ask thoughtful questions to better understand the other person's position.

4. Pick Your Time Wisely

There are a few times where I really ask clients to avoid difficult conversations.

• After sex.

• Late at night.

• When one or both of you are hungry.

Yet for some reason, these are the most alluring times to open up, potentially fueling a small conversation into a big disagreement.

Quality communication would recognize there's a time and place for everything and ask if what needs to said can wait until a better time.

5. Listen for What's Not Being Said

Remember earlier when they asked for some help with chores around the house? Really what they wanted to say was "it would help me feel like an equal in our home if you would see me struggling to finish everything around the house and pitched in." In my sessions we say "the thing is not the thing." It's hard to see sometimes, but using all of the tips above may help you see a deeper request for connection that's not being met. Staying logistical feels safe sometimes, because a culture of vulnerability hasn't been set up in your relationship.

Quality communication would look for the deeper meaning of seemingly simple requests and create space to invite vulnerability into the conversation to make sure the deeper needs of each spouse are being met.

Want personalized help with communication in your relationship? Request therapy services in Tampa, FL, Winter Haven, FL or throughout the state of Florida by telehealth by clicking here.